title: Tell Me I'm Not a Lie
pairing: eventual Puck/Kurt
story rating: NC17 for graphic non-con, sex, violence, swearing
chapter rating: R
warnings: blanket spoilers through season two, non-con, slash, transgender, trans bashing, un-beta'd
chapter word count: 1411
summary: this is a fill for this prompt in the glee_angst_meme | Never having had a boyfriend had the upside of never letting anyone close enough to notice he was physically female. When Blaine does get close enough, his reaction is something Kurt never could have imagined.
disclaimer: Glee belongs to many people that are not me; no trans- or homo-phobic slurs, actions, or behavior depicted in this story reflect my own beliefs, they are that of the characters expressing them
To be totally freaking honest, Finn was still really confused about stuff. Kurt hadn’t left his room since they got home and he’d cried a lot and for some reason he had thought Finn would spill his secrets to Puck the second he asked.
And, yeah, Puck had asked. Finn had finally shut him up by bribing him with food. Finn didn’t want to mess things up for Kurt any worse than they were. But he had to admit that he wished he could talk to somebody about it. That he could tell Puck, because when he was alone, he always found himself crying again. Kurt was such a good person. He didn’t deserve that.
More than the pain of knowing that Kurt had been raped was the confusion of knowing that Kurt was a girl. Or, had been a girl. There was a word his mom had used, but he couldn’t remember it.
But it was one of those things that Rachel and Kurt would talk about, the ones that all fit under four letters that Finn always got mixed up, so he figured if he tried really hard to be sneaky, he could get some information out of Rachel, because he really didn’t understand what everything about Kurt’s situation meant.
On Monday morning, his mother made him go to school and she went to work, leaving Burt home with Kurt for the day. When he walked in the doors, Puck was the first to find him.
“So, seriously, what’s up with Hummel?” Finn rolled his eyes.
“It’s none of your business, Puck.”
“Dude, he’s my boy; since when are my boys’ businesses not mine?”
Finn blinked, not quite understanding what Puck was trying to say. He hadn’t slept well the night before. Kurt had woken up crying around two and Finn had several nightmares of his own. He didn’t think he wanted to separate them at bedtime again.
“Earth to Finn!”
“Sorry,” he muttered, blinking. “I’m not telling you, so quit asking.” Then Finn walked away, hoping to find Rachel.
He didn’t have a chance to talk to her until the five minutes between third and fourth period. He grabbed her elbow as gently as he could and pulled her aside.
“Can I ask you a question?”
“Certainly,” she said, tucking back her hair. “What is it?”
“Well, I was wondering about, um…” Finn rubbed his right hand along his left arm. He should have thought this out a bit better. He didn’t know what to say.
“What is it, Finn?” she repeated.
“I wanted to know if you had any… source material?” How he pulled that term out from English class, he would never know. “On, uh, being born a girl but being a dude?” Even Finn knew he had come off awkwardly.
Rachel blinked up at him, arms crossed over her stomach and fingers tugging at the elbows of her sweater. “On trans issues?”
“Yes! Trans!” That’s what his mother had said!
“May I ask why? Are you… Are you questioning your gender, Finn?” Her eyes were lighting up and Finn felt a heavy weight in the pit of his stomach. “Because that’s completely normal and not a bad thing to look into if you’re honestly uncertain! Actually, I went through a stage in the eighth grade—”
“No, Rach, not, not me. I, um, was watching something over the weekend, and, uh, there… there was a character and I just didn’t, um, didn’t get it.”
“Oh.” Finn would be damned if she didn’t almost sound disappointed. “Well, with my two gay dads, we have an extensive library of LGBT literature, documents, and research. If you come over, you can take a look to see if anything might help.”
“Thanks, Rach. I’d like that.”
He picked out a bunch of books at Rachel’s house that afternoon. He read the backs and had her summarize them and finally left with a stack bigger than his text books. She promised her dads wouldn’t mind and he promised to get them back as soon as possible. He spent the next two days trying to read them. When one got difficult or dull, he moved on to another, putting in a bookmark.
By Thursday, Finn Hudson was actively reading a dozen different books. He wasn’t sure he’d managed that many in all of middle and high school put together. It was when he was asking his mother what a word meant that Kurt found out. Kurt had been venturing out of his bedroom for meals the past few days, and it was breakfast. Blinking and frowning slightly, Kurt had asked where Finn had gotten the book.
“I talked to Rachel, and she loaned me a whole bunch on this trans stuff,” he replied, grinning. When he saw the wide eyes Kurt was giving him, the smile slid away. “What’s wrong?”
“You told Rachel?” Finn was sure Kurt had meant to screech it. He’d known Kurt long enough, recognized the face and tone, but the fact that it barely squeaked out made Finn pause and really put his words together.
“I… No, I didn’t tell her. I asked for the books, but I didn’t tell her about you. I haven’t told anyone. I’m pretty sure she’s convinced I’m confused about this stuff myself…”
“Okay,” Kurt sighed softly.
“I told you this was yours to share, Kurt. I mean it.” Kurt nodded. “But everybody knows you’re home.” Kurt shot him a dirty look, and Finn nearly smiled, seeing it. He had been so still and quiet, like a really sad china doll, since coming home, and Finn really missed the feisty Kurt. “Puck saw the car and told everyone you were around and he let everyone know when… when you got dumped.” They had been avoiding Blaine’s name for a while now. It was awkward and difficult, but Burt would always fly into a rage at the mention of him. “I told them you’re dealing with the breakup and didn’t want to see anyone, but they really want to visit.”
Kurt shook his head. “Not yet. At least, not everyone.”
“Who do you want to see? Mercedes or Rachel?”
Kurt sniffled and shook his head again. “You can bring Puck by if you want. I don’t think I can handle the girls wanting to diss and bitch yet.”
“Right. I’ll let him know.”
Then his mother was ushering him off to school and Burt to work. When Finn got to school, he looked for Puck and leaned against the next locker. “Hey.”
Puck glanced up and then back down to his lock. “Hey. S’up?”
“Kurt says you can come over today.”
“Really?” Puck looked up, leaving his locker half open.
“Yeah. He’s still pretty upset about shit, but he’s okay with you swinging by. We can probably play some video games this afternoon, too.”
“Awesome. I—shit. I can’t today.”
“I’ve got to get Sarah from ballet and take her to scouts.”
“Okay, well how about tomorrow? It’s Friday, you could stay the night.”
“Sure.” Puck quickly collected his books and slammed the locker shut.
The next day, Rachel told Finn that her dads wanted a few of their books back, so he promised to bring them over after school. He was mostly done with them anyway. He drove Puck over to the house and let them both in. He gathered up the books to go back, letting Puck and Kurt talk or whatever for a little while.
His mom and Burt were home, and he’d shouted he was home when he walked in, but he wasn’t sure they noticed. They were in the kitchen, talking softly over a huge spread of pamphlets on the table. Shrugging, Finn went on to Rachel’s, figuring he’d be back in fifteen minutes, tops.
Once there, though, her dads asked how he liked the books and which ones he thought were best and most clear. He ended up talking about the things in the books and asking questions and getting a new understanding and perspective of it all with them. He had been gone for nearly an hour when he realized he needed to get back home.
When he got there, he wasn’t expecting to find Burt silently fuming on the couch or his mother crying quietly in the kitchen. He didn’t hear anything coming from upstairs to indicate what had happened, so he swallowed and bravely approached his mother to ask what was wrong.