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the crazy stuff in my head

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Meet the Family - PG 15
doctor !!!

random fic i wrote a couple weeks ago, figured i'd post. enjoy!!

Title: Meet the Family
Rating: PG15
Pairing: Spike/Xander
Warnings: light swearing, sex talk, human AU
Disclaimer: No characters from BtVS or AtS are mine, nor do I claim them to be.  I am using the characters purely for fun and entertainment purposes.


Xander was going to die.  He just knew it.  It didn’t help that Spike was snickering wickedly, or that Buffy and Willow were looking on in interest.  This was officially the most humiliating moment of his life, and it was going to kill him.

He had avoided this question for months, nearly a year, since he’d told his friends that he was finally seeing someone.  It hadn’t been something he wanted to disclose with them.  But Buffy had finally sprung it on him when he couldn’t escape.

He and Spike had been together for six months before he told the others, and had been talking for a year before that.  So, here they were, two and a half years in, and Spike was meeting the girls for the first time.  And it had been okay at first.

Willow’s girlfriend had helped her prepare dinner, but had to run off to an evening class as UC Sunnydale, leaving Spike to the harsh scrutiny of three protective girls: Buffy, Willow, and Dawn.  Dawn had been sent off to do homework after dinner, but Xander was sure she was lurking somewhere, hoping to hear about this guy.  Her eyes and her tongue had nearly fallen out of her head when she saw him.  And Spike had soaked it up.

Dinner was good, and the conversation was light and friendly.  The girls asked Spike about himself, and he answered politely for the most part.  Dawn had had a total Freudian slip when, instead of asking for the carrots, she asked Spike for his carrot.  She had suitably turned bright red after he smirked and told her Xander might be jealous if he let her.  That comment, of course, had caused an uproar from Buffy because that was her baby sister!  But everything was smoothed back out shortly, and they finished the meal in peace.

It was when they were sitting in the living room with coffee afterwards that things started unraveling.  Buffy and Willow started asking more personal questions, like what were Spike’s intentions and did he have any diseases?  Spike managed to field the questions fairly, even when Xander swallowed his tongue.  But then Buffy had asked it, and Spike just smiled and shot a glance at Xander, leaving the question to him.

That was about the time Xander went red, and then Spike was snickering, and he was right back at the beginning and dying of humiliation.

“Xander?” Willow prodded.

“Come on, it’s not that big a deal, Xan,” Buffy added.  “We’re just curious.”

“Well, I, it…  It’s personal, okay?” he grumbled, crossing his arms and pouting.  Spike burst out into full gales of laughter.  Xander kicked him.  “Shut up.  It’s not funny.”

“Oh, pet, yes it is,” he choked out, shaking his head.  Xander’s cock involuntarily perked at the sound of his thick English accent.  The accent that had whispered so many things to him from across the state for months.  The accent that had wrapped him around Spike’s finger before they’d ever actually met.

“No it isn’t,” Xander maintained, kicking him again.

“Xander, we just want to know how you met.  Is that so wrong?” Willow asked.

“I mean, it’s not like we’re gonna judge if you went to a gay bar or something.”  That set Spike off into his laughs again.

“I did not go to a gay bar, and I don’t think Spike’s ever been to one, either.”

“I’ve been to gay bars,” Spike insisted.  “But I never would have picked you out at one, so I guess we’re lucky that wasn’t the route we went, yeah?”  Xander buried his face in his hands as the girls giggled.  “Would you rather I just tell them?” Spike asked, leaning close.

“No, I’d rather they drop the question and we move on to something less humiliating.”

“Xan, what’s so embarrassing about it?” Buffy asked.

Everything, okay?”  Xander was ready to just bolt, dragging Spike along, but his blond boyfriend seemed to have a different idea.

“Okay, so when things started out, I was honestly just looking for some hot, anonymous sex to rebound off my recent breakup, and Xander has a mouth that can do things, let me tell you.”

“SPIKE!” Xander screeched.  He slapped a hand over Spike’s mouth, stemming the words, and ignoring the burst of arousal at the way Spike described Xander’s mouth.  Willow’s eyes had widened and she had muttered “Oh goddess,” under her breath.  Buffy’s face went white and then red in three seconds flat, and Xander was almost certain he heard a meep of surprise from the stairs over the rushing blood in his ears.  “I cannot believe you just said that!”

“Wot, it’s the truth,” Spike said, but through Xander’s hand it sounded more like, “Wha, ‘ts te froof.”  He then licked Xander’s fingers, catching one to draw between his lips and suck at.  Xander snatched his hand away.

“Stop it.  You’ve said enough to get you in some serious trouble already, don’t push it.”

“Or what?  You’ll pull out the manacles and chains?”

“No!”  Xander hated his life at that particular moment.  He wanted the earth to swallow him, for an earthquake to hit, for something, anything, to interrupt and save him.  “You’ll be sleeping on the couch, if not the front porch!”

“Hell, luv, the girls just asked a question, and since you weren’t gonna answer it—”

Xander leaned closer to Spike, whispering.  “That doesn’t mean you just tell them I have a great mouth!  You promised to behave tonight, remember?”


“Well telling my friends about our sex life, past, present, or future, is not behaving.”  Spike pouted, his red lips pursing, the lower one sticking out.  “And stop trying to tempt me.  I’m mad at you.”  His eyes drifted to the enticing lip.  “So quit the deliberate voice and tuck that lip away…”  By the end of his order, he was very close to giving in and just biting that lip.  Let things go from there.  But the girls were still there, and why was he mad again…?

“Xander, you were having random sex?”  Oh yeah, that was why.

“No!  He said he was looking for, not having!”

“I was having anonymous sex.  With lots of people.  You know that, pet.”

Xander groaned.  “I know that I know that, but I don’t want them to know that!”

“Xander, come on, just tell us.  Because it can’t really be as bad as it sounds right now…” Buffy said.

“Fine.  I was colossally bored one night, and an ad came on the TV for one of those…hotlines.”


“You know…  ‘Tired of the bar scene?  Wanna meet hot locals?  Hot anonymous sex here!’ kinda hotline.”

“Oh.”  Willow was red in the face.

“So, I called it, and Spike had called it—”

“I’d had an account for over a month at the time.”

“—and we found each other in the live chat, and…chatted.  Okay?  That’s how we met.  Happy now?”

“So you were having random phone sex?” Buffy asked.

“…Yes.  Kind of.  I mean, I always talked to people first, got to know them a little, decided if I wanted to talk dirty with them before we got down to it, and on plenty of occasions I said no.”

“But there were plenty of yeses too.”  Not much of a question so much a demand for truth from Willow.

“Yeah.  And Spike…was good.  I mean, he was funny and sexy and we’d had a great conversation, so…  The next time I found him on at the same time, I asked him to talk.  And it just all sort of built from there.”  Xander glanced at Spike, then back to the girls.  “The first time that he found me first, I took a long time accepting his request because I was honestly having a fit of hysterical laughter that he clearly enjoyed our talks as much as I did.  After I got my tongue back where it belonged.”

“Really?” Spike asked, looking at him and raising an eyebrow.  “I’d kind of thought you’d put off answering because you were with someone else and wanted to finish there first.  You were all breathless when you answered.”

“Because I’d been laughing for several minutes.  I think that was about the time I figured out I was getting too attached to just a voice.”

“So…you guys just ended up deciding to date?”

“Oh no, that took a good year of working up to,” Xander answered.  “We were learning about each other, and I finally asked if he wanted to just swap numbers, and we got a little closer then.”

“First time we talked and didn’t have sex was when he called in tears because one of your friends had died.”


“You called him about Jesse?” Willow asked.

“Yeah.  You guys were in bad shape, and I’d been Mr. Not-Affected for you, and I really just needed a turn.  And we’d been calling to share stuff, like promotions and problems, but it was always a precursor to…  Well, anyway.  I was falling apart, and he couldn’t understand what I was saying at first, but he did a great job of comforting me about it.  He…  He got me to put in a movie, and we watched together from opposite ends of the state.  And I thanked him, and we hung up.  And then I realized that there hadn’t been one bit of innuendo in the entire conversation.”

“Well, maybe a bit, but not much,” Spike amended.

“And I felt a lot better.  I mean, obviously still upset, but I wasn’t coming apart at the seams anymore.”

The girls smiled.  “Okay,” they said.  Spike relaxed a bit, knowing that the girls had finally approved of him, and Xander let out a breath.

“So, any more horrifically embarrassing questions or are you finished?”

“Well, I’d like to know more about those manacles and chains Spike mentioned,” Buffy said with a grin.  Willow nodded.  Spike opened his mouth to elaborate, Dawn made another sound, and Xander hid his face again.  This was his life, and it would never be private enough.

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That was cute ^_^ Thanks for sharing!

this was really nice!
It put a smile on my face...

Well,..., I just loved it!
I smiled and snickered... you get the picture. *grin*
Poor Xander! :-) but I really liked that it was true to character although AU (I'm on my way to love!!! the AUs!) :-)
Great Job!!!

Hehe, poor Xander!
Thanks for sharing this funny fic.

This was funny and so, so sweet... loved it.

LOL That was so funny and cute. Poor Xander. :)

Very cute... Poor Xander, he won't have a single bit of privacy left this way... ;)

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